I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
