You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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