Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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