Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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