We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
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I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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