Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
