you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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