i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
