I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
