So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
