I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
