My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
