Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you will always have a special place in my vag
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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