You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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