i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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