I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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