You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
