Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
