it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
