when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
