sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
