I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
