Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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