There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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