I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
