3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We need to get me chipped asap
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
