I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
