There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
