Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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