This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
