My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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