tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
