can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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