I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
