Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
