I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
