I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Randomize
