where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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