I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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