Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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