The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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