I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
