This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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