Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
