I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
