Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
