I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This baby is an asshole
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
