Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
His hands were made for my vagina.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
