Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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