Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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