He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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