i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
