oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
