I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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