True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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