There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
